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So with your couples therapist there to mediate, tell him your marriage is either open or closed.You're not interested in being his cuckold and he can't point to his trauma to force you into that role.Or maybe you're the wrong kind of sadist: the un-self-aware emotional sadist.You say you love your wife, but you also say she'd be crushed—destroyed—if she discovered what you've been doing.
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So long as those desires are consciously eroticized, fully compartmentalized, and safely expressed, you could have done everything you wanted, ASSHOLE, without harming anyone. It seems like you want out, and your wife definitely deserves better, so cop to one affair, since copping to all of them would crush her—or so you think. I made an open relationship a requirement at the start.
People are often way more resilient than we give them credit for, and convincing ourselves that our partners can't handle the truth is often a convenient justification for lying to them. While my husband had jealousy and trust issues, he hooked up with others regularly.
I agreed to a monogamous relationship, and I've gone a year without hooking up with anyone else.
He seemed genuinely relieved and said he felt more secure.